We’re going to start this article with an assumption; as you’re on this dating website and reading an article on texting girls, your endgame is landing yourself a date. If this is the case, then we have some good news for you. We have huge amounts of advice to give you. The bad news is that most of this advice takes the form of telling you not to do stuff. As the title gives away, there are twenty-one common mistakes guys make when texting girls. If you’re having trouble convincing girls to give you a date, and you’re making any of these mistakes, then you’re the problem.
Because you’re not asking her for something simple like passing you the sugar; you’re trying to sell yourself. Why should she spend her time with you? You need to make her feel like hanging out with you will be fun for her; you need to get her interested in you.
Anyway, let’s get up to speed on the do’s and don’ts; though mostly the don’ts. We’ll go through the common twenty-one mistakes men make when pursuing what should be (but rarely is) a fairly straight forward task of asking a girl out via text. What if you start reading the list and realize that you’ve already made one or more of these mistakes? Well, to be honest, if you were going to do research, you probably should have done it before you started messaging her. However, because we’re so nice, we also have some advice on how to perform damage control if you’ve already put your foot in it.
Mistake #1: Living by the 3 Day Rule
You can get a lot of bad advice on the internet based on not very much. One of the most persistent myths is that women will hate you forever if you text them within three days of getting their number. Well, we went out, did some actual research and found that 89% of women want to be first contacted within 48 hours.
It really shouldn’t come across as a revolutionary idea to text a girl soon after getting their number. The whole point of trying to get a date with a girl is because you’re interested in her; there’s no reason you should be trying to hide that fact.
This isn’t just a matter of ‘principal’ either. Firstly, trying to pointlessly trying to hide your interest simply adds another degree of difficulty for no reason. Secondly, texting her straight away, possibly while she’s still there, is fairly practical. If she’s given you her number then it means that she’s enjoying your company enough to want to stay in contact with you. So, by texting her while that feeling is still fresh, you help increase the odds that she’ll become comfortable with you sending her messages. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly brilliant or witty; you just need to establish contact and start getting her comfortable with keeping in touch;
“Hi, I really had fun hanging out with you tonight, hope we can chat soon!”
#2 What’s Your Name Again?
So, you may be thinking that complimenting her by referring to her as ‘beautiful’ or ‘gorgeous’ is a good idea. Maybe you’ve thought up a really clever and flattering nickname for her. And, to be honest, depending on the girl in question, this might be a good tactic; people do like people who compliment them.
However, like all good things, it should be done in moderation. Imagine you’re her and the guy you gave your number to at a party is sending you messages. You’re replying and you’re developing a good back and forth between the two of you. After a bit, unfortunately, you notice an odd development.
He never uses your name.
It’s always ‘baby’ or ‘beautiful’ and you slowly start to suspect that this guy can’t actually remember your name. It turns out that one thing girls really look for in guys is the ability to remember basic details about them. Using her name every now and then will do wonders for assuring her that you’re actually interested in her and you’re not just a player.
#3 Texting Back Too Quickly
Have you ever been sending messages to someone and every time, you’re just putting your phone down when it buzzes to announce their reply? If you haven’t then let us assure you; it’s deeply annoying.
nWe get it; you’re really excited to talk to her, to get closer to her. Maybe she’s your new crush who came out of nowhere and wowed you. Maybe she’s been your dream girl for years and you finally worked up the courage to ask for her number. The thing is, she didn’t give you her number because she decided you were her soulmate. She did so because she’s mildly interested in you and is open to the possibility of maybe meeting up with you again.
So, if you want her to become more interested in you, it’s important to make sure it doesn’t look like your entire life revolves around texting her.
We said above that there’s no benefit to trying to hide the fact you’re interested in her and we stand by that. However, showing too much interest too early can scare off a girl who, let’s not forget, likely isn’t massively invested in seeing you again at this point.
It’s also important to understand that we’re not suggesting that you should let four hours pass before you reply to each message. Just vary it; sometimes reply back within a few minutes, other times finish what you’re doing before responding. The whole point of this is to assure her that you have a life outside texting her; and that you’re not an obsessive loser who might start stalking her. Find more information on picking the right time to text her here.
#4 Subject Sticking
It’s an amazing feeling to make a joke that absolutely floors her, especially if you weren’t expecting to strike gold like that. It’s also fine to having running jokes between the two of you. It’s an effective way of developing a rapport and making her feel closer to you by having inside jokes that only the two of you get.
However, as every good comedian knows, sooner or later you need new material. For one thing, overuse a joke or reference and it won’t just stop being funny; it’ll start being annoying. There’s also the fact that if you always have to fall back on the same joke in order to make her laugh, you don’t have a rapport; you have a running gag. If you can’t hold a conversation with her outside of one or two subjects, you’re not ready to go on a date with her yet.
#5 Once Upon a Fun
You may not want to hear this, but it doesn’t matter how impressive you were the night you met her. You may have looked like a million dollars, got the DJ to put on her favorite song with a snap of your fingers and danced with her like something out of ‘Dirty Dancing’. That’s all deeply impressive and it got you her phone number but none of that matters now.
Because if you follow up that amazing performance with texts like “Hey, how r u?” then we’re afraid to inform you that all the appeal you built up will vanish like ice in a sink full of hot water. You need to be charming and build her interest; she needs to be looking forward to receiving your texts. If she views answering your texts as a polite obligation you are not doing a good job translating your charm into text form.
So, make sure that your texts are fun, charming and, most importantly, clear about what your intentions are. Once again, while there’s such a thing as coming across too intense too soon, you gain nothing by trying to pretend you’re not interested in her romantically.
#6 Playing the ‘date’ card too early
“Hey, I had a really nice time last night, I hope we can talk again soon.”
“Thanks, I had a lot of fun as well. We made a great team on the karaoke machine.”
“WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?!”
Like we’ve already discussed, a woman giving you her number doesn’t mean she’s ready to be your girlfriend. It just means that she liked you enough to want to keep in touch. At this point she’s fairly uninvested in you; the guy she only just met. What she’s doing by giving you her number is giving you an opportunity to sell yourself. This gives you a chance to change her view of you from ‘that guy who was fun that one time’ to ‘that guy I really want to see again.’
That’s why the first few texts you send to her are so deeply important in getting her interest. You need to be getting her to associate communicating with you with enjoying herself as well as building her confidence that you’re not someone she needs to be on guard around. Try to skip this stage at your own peril.
#7 Mr. Inappropriate
Women tend to be on guard for creepy guys because, well, there are lots of them out there. An essential step to getting a date with that girl you like is her being confident she’s not going to look out of her bedroom window to find you leering in.
So, for example, while you might be stoked if she were to send you revealing pictures unprompted, do not assume that the reverse is also true; it doesn’t matter how shredded your work outs at the gym have left you.
If she has explicitly asked you for pictures then, by all means, take that picture with your shirt off. But, unrequested semi-nude pictures of yourself are a move that is almost certainly going to backfire. It’s just totally inappropriate and it will not work out well for you.
It also carries the implication that you don’t have much charm to you because it suggests that you couldn’t think of anything smart to say so you just panicked and took your shirt off. Panicked shirt removers are not generally considered good dating material.
If you want to send her a picture, find something cute or funny to send instead. People rarely have a problem receiving a funny picture they didn’t request.
#8 Sloppy Joe’s
“I had a gr8 time last nite. Hope u did 2”
In the world of texting, grammar like that is the equivalent of grunting and pointing. If you’re texting your friends then that’s fine but, if you’re texting the girl of your dreams, you might as well send a picture of a dog turd and be done with it. Sloppy grammar not only makes you come across as seeming less intelligent, but it also gives the impression that you can’t be bothered to properly write a message. Obviously, this is not the impression you want to be sending the girl you want to date.
Abbreviations like LOL or WTF are okay as long as you don’t overuse them. You should also hold off on them for the first few messages to see if she uses them.
#9 Bad Reflections
In order to get a good rapport going with the girl you’re interested in, you need to match her texting habits to an extent. If she sends you long messages full of detail then you need to do the same. She’s not going to appreciate pouring her heart into her message only to receive ‘Cool’ as a reply. If she sends you four text messages a day, you need to be sending a similar number yourself.
Your level of investment must either match or be lower than hers, so adapt to her texting style and respond in tune with her.
#10 Friend Zoning
Something you need to keep in mind is that you won’t be the only person she’s texting. If you want to catch her interest and make yourself the kind of guy she wants to date, you need to stand out from the crowd. Unless the girl you’re texting is some kind of hermit, she’ll be exchanging messages with her family, her friends and other guys she might potentially be interested in.
To avoid her removing you from the ‘potential date material’ list, you need to avoid dull, uninspired messages at all costs.
Once again, not to belabor the point or anything, but right after giving you her number, you’re probably one of the lowest priority names in her contact list. You’re a guy she had enough fun with to give her number to. There is very little investment on her side at this point. If you don’t provide a back and forth entertaining enough for her to look forward to, the best you can hope for is that she comes to consider you a good, but entirely platonic, friend. Which is fine if that’s what you want but, as previously established, it’s not.
So, tell her interesting things, develop inside jokes and generally use every message you receive from her as a springboard to say something entertaining and retain and increase her interest.
#11 Too Cool for School
Playing things cool is a good strategy; as we’ve discussed seeming over-eager too early on can drive her off. The problem is that there’s only a certain amount of cool you can apply before you start hurting your case. For one thing, while Ryan Gosling, might have infinite coolness at his disposal, the rest of us aren’t so lucky. Try and pretend to be the coolest guy around and you’ll just come off as phony and unimpressive; sooner or later you need her to become interested in the real you rather than the ‘cool’ you.
Secondly, as we’ve discussed, if you try to act aloof and indifferent all the time then all you’re going to do is convince her that you’re not interested in her.
If there’s one piece of advice that sums up a lot of the points we’re making here, it’s that you should never overplay any one strategy too much. Everyone likes being complimented but, if you’re constantly showering her in compliments, they’ll start to come off as insincere and aimed purely at getting physical with her. All things in moderation; a rule to live by.
#13 The Interrogator
As with a lot of bad dating advice, the idea that you should constantly flood her with questions about her day seems like a winner until you actually stop to think about it.
After all, showing interest in what she’s doing shows that you actually have an interest in her as a person instead of making the mistake above and just throwing a bunch of shallow compliments her way. And yet, once again, don’t overdo it; you don’t need to be asking what color socks she has on and when was the last time she had a dream about her father. If you’re shooting for a date, you don’t want her preparing to answer each text you sent like she’s about to give testimony in court.
Handy Hint: If you feel you’re peppering her with too many questions, try sending her a funny picture with an accompanying caption instead.
#14 Dear Diary,
Flipping the previous point on its head, don’t treat your messages to her like they’re your own personal diary. Just as she doesn’t want to have to tell you every detail about her day, nor is she likely to want to hear about every thought, fart and itch you had that day.
This kind of behavior is annoying due to just how super-needy it is and our research discovered neediness to be one of the biggest attraction killers according to the one hundred women we interviewed.
If she does respond when you send her messages like this, she isn’t doing it because clingy over-sharers are her turn on. We can assure you that she is doing so purely out of politeness before she gives up and just blocks your number.
#15 The Rambler
You know what’s even more annoying than a long text covering every single thing you did that day? A long rambling message that takes four paragraphs to cover what could have been said in two sentences.
While it’s true that you should match her texting habits, including length, you shouldn’t be padding your messages needlessly. You’re trying to impress a girl, not make a word count. A good rule of thumb for length is that your average text should be roughly one hundred and fifty characters, or the length of a tweet.
Remember, if you’re texting a girl with the intention of getting a date with her, then you don’t have infinite time to work with. Every day you spend sending overstuffed texts about how many fries you managed to fit in your mouth is day where she might start dating someone else. If a date is your goal, then you need to remain focused on it.
#16 Forcing a Date
Neediness isn’t a very appealing quality in anyone and while certain qualities can be attractive in specific circumstances, this isn’t one of them. So, imagine how little the girl you’re texting will want to put up with it from a guy she barely knows.
So, if you have a date (or any kind of meet up) arranged and she has to cancel, don’t try to make her feel guilty or attempt to change her mind. Brush it off and assure her it’s fine. If it was an event that involved other people, send her a message letting her know that you and others missed having her there.
The point of this is not to guilt trip her; it’s to show that there are no hard feelings and that your entire social life does not revolve around getting a date with her.
#17 Pre-date nerves
We’re not quite ready to leave the subject of neediness yet. Do not let pre-date jitters get you to send clingy, nervous texts asking if she’s still going to show up.
Once you’ve managed to schedule a date, take a deep breath, be brave and trust that she’ll show up as promised. Don’t ruin your hard work up to this point by making her regret agreeing with a flood of needy questions.
Any messages you send her between then and your date should be just fun messages that make her smile. If you absolutely have to double check that she’s still on for it, restrict yourself to one text that clarifies some part of the arrangements that hasn’t been nailed down. For example, if you decided to meet up at ‘7 or 8’, ask which one suits her better.
#18 Guilt Tripper
You know what women really don’t find appealing in a guy? Controlling, guilt tripping behavior; this is a huge red flag to any woman who isn’t in the market for an emotionally-abusive boyfriend.
This really doesn’t require much unpacking; don’t send her messages accusing her of avoiding you, don’t try to guilt her into doing things she doesn’t want to do. If she had to cancel a meet-up, don’t give her radio silence as ‘punishment’.
For more information on not guilt tripping and generally being a decent human being, Marie Claire have a few more texting mistakes here.
#19 Texting when Drunk
Don’t drunk text!
A general rule of thumb is that, if you want to do something well, don’t do it drunk. If you drunk text your long-term girlfriend, she might find it amusing, endearing even, because she knows you fairly well at this point.
Drunk texting a girl who doesn’t know you very well will almost certainly drive her off; almost her entire experience of you will be those drunken messages. If you’re worried about giving into temptation, give your phone to one of your friends when you’re going out.
#20 Talking Dirty All the Time
Yes, some girls like it when you talk dirty to them, but you need to remember one of the recurring pieces of advice in this article; everything in moderation. Dirty talking can add a bit of spice and intimacy but even girls who like it will sometimes want to have a conversation about something other than what you’ll do to her in bed.
When engaging in dirty talk, consider each thing you say before sending it as you don’t want to cross the line into being inappropriate. You also REALLY want to be sure she’s into dirty talk before engaging in it.
#21 Being Mr. indecisive
It’s important to try not to be too controlling when dating a girl, this is an important fact to keep in mind. But, it’s also important to not to go too far the other way. If you suggest going somewhere and she agrees in a shorter, less engaged way than usual, you might panic that she’s not actually okay with it. You might send a flood of other options and assure her it’s up to her.
The occasional moment of indecision is fine but, if this becomes a regular feature, then she’s probably not going to be impressed; hanging out with someone who never makes a decision gets old really fast.
If you’re really concerned that she honestly isn’t okay with what you suggested, then offer an alternative like you just remembered another really amazing place and suggest that instead. The difference is that you do it with confidence and she won’t feel like she has to make every decision for the both of you. If she was genuinely okay with the first suggestion, she’ll probably say.
So, if those are the mistakes,
The first step to solving any problem is to figure out where you’ve been going wrong. And we have gone to great lengths, in the above article, to highlight the most likely mistakes that you’ve probably been making.
With this in mind it’s important that you recognize and correct your mistakes as soon as possible. Because, unless the girl you’re trying to date is a nun (and that provides its own problems), you only have so long before another guy catches her eye or she loses interest in you as a romantic option.
Fortunately, the domain name of this website is not just a coincidence. We have a huge range of useful articles and quizzes to help you identify what’s going wrong with your attempts to ask out the girl of your dreams. We’ll help you come across as more charming and sensitive and to come across as the kind of guy she really would like to see again. There’s a lot to know when it comes to the rights and wrongs of dating and we’re here to pull back the curtains on it all.
Of course, there’s no magic combination of tactics that guarantees that she’ll go out with you. Depending on what happened between the two of you before you came to us, things may or may not be salvageable.
But, while sometimes there’s no chance, it’s important not to lose hope too soon. No one, no matter how charming, has never made any mistakes. We can give you advice on how to claw back the false starts you may have made up to this point.
Wrapping It Up
Hopefully the advice in this article will have highlighted the mistakes you were making and allow you to stop making them from now on. Of course, avoiding making mistakes is only half the battle.
Remember, a girl who gave you her number did so because you were a guy, she had fun with and she’s interested in seeing you again.
What she has given you is a chance to sell yourself and convince her that she does want to see you again. Be charming, funny and non-threatening and you’ll do fine.
As always, use the comments below to let us know what you think of our advice.